"There is Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself"

How is that a comforting thought? Usually when someone is scared of something someone will tell them that and it is suppose to make them feel better but with me, it doesn't work. Why? Because my biggest fear is in fact; FEAR. I know that sounds crazy and it is. I struggle with the fear of fear. I hate panic attacks and I hate putting myself in situations where I will have one. Sadly, this handicaps me in many areas. I don't think people understand how powerful the mind truly is. I have a clear understanding of it because often times my mind will make me feel things that otherwise I shouldn't feel. The racing of my heart, palms sweating, fingers grasping, teeth clenching, and shortness of breath feeling that seems to last a life time when in reality it only lasts 15 minutes or so till I am finally in my right mind again. In those short moments of time I am in my own head reasoning with myself and trying to assure myself that I in fact am safe.

The truth is that not many people can understand this irrational fear because it is in fact irrational. I am sane enough to realize that when I am not in the moment of panic. Why am I writing about this? Well, because it is a huge part of my life. Sometimes I am amazed at how far I have come and the places God has taken me in spite of my anxiety. Other times I am in despair at how much this irrationality consumes my life and how much I wish I was different...or rather, normal. I know God has a plan for my life and there are much worse things that one can encounter but I confess that at times it is hard to see the bigger picture.

The bigger picture of the fact that my every moment is a delicate teeter totting dependency on God's spirit of peace in my mind. That my "handicap" allows me to clench tightly to God because without Him every new experience is a struggle. The bigger picture that He has given me the courage to do things that I never thought were possible with my weak mind. Why is it so easy to doubt Him even after all that He has allowed me to do in my life? People don't understand how the nation of Israel could have possibly left God time after time when He was so evident in their journey...yet I think it is safe to say we do it all the time. What a beautiful God we serve. He is there patiently guiding us along no matter how often we doubt His magnificent power and care for us. I have such a hard time trusting and letting go but in the end it is the only thing that works. He has brought me so far and still I doubt the safety of the next step.

How could Thomas have doubted? How could Israel turn away so many times? How could the Pharisees see Him and still not believe?

I think it is easier then we'd like to think. My prayer is that God will be patient with my trying heart. That He will continue to lead me and guide me even if I am afraid. That He will give me the peace that only He can give me. I pray that through all my fears His strength will be perfected. I pray that I will be a living testimony of what He can accomplish in any life that surrenders to Him. God, use me! Take me to the places you want me to go and give me the strength to follow. I need You and that is the solemn truth.

I'll be home for Christmas.

I know what God has planned for me to be. I have always known. Even when I was a little girl and I would line up my stuff animals and teach them. I still remember an activity my second grade teacher had us do because I told myself that I would one day do it in my own classroom. Still, there is no feeling like the one when you are finally doing a little bit of what you were meant to do and it feels so right. I feel blessed to know what I want to do with my life. I only hope that I can bring honor & glory to God's name through it. I have had so much fun these past couple of months working with the youth of Walla Walla but it was last night when I felt like I was doing what I have been created to do. We are planning leadership night with the Jr. High group and they will be leading out the worship service. I had so much fun practicing with them and leading them in their practice. I also had a blast this week when we visited the nursing homes. I think the kids really enjoyed themselves and I know the residents loved our company. I am so thankful for the staff I work with. They are all such amazing individuals who care so much about God and the kids. They inspire me and have become my closest friends here in Walla Walla. Each of them are very different from the rest but equally as wonderful.

Jr. high group at the Eagle Springs nursing home

On another note, Christmas is here! Betsy has put up all the decorations and the house is just transcending with holiday cheer. She even lent me a little Christmas tree to put in my room. I love Christmas! The lights, the food, the crisp air, the songs, & the joy. I also have a special treat this Christmas by finally visiting my home in Asheville. I almost wish that I could be two places in once, I'd like to experience a Walla Walla Christmas. There is no place like home though and I can't wait to be with my family. I am blessed with so much love in both areas of the country. I'll be flying home all by myself! It'll be my first flight alone and I know that I am a "big girl" now but I am still a little nervous about it. I know it'll be fine though and I think my desperation to see my family & friends out weighs my worry.