How is that a comforting thought? Usually when someone is scared of something someone will tell them that and it is suppose to make them feel better but with me, it doesn't work. Why? Because my biggest fear is in fact; FEAR. I know that sounds crazy and it is. I struggle with the fear of fear. I hate panic attacks and I hate putting myself in situations where I will have one. Sadly, this handicaps me in many areas. I don't think people understand how powerful the mind truly is. I have a clear understanding of it because often times my mind will make me feel things that otherwise I shouldn't feel. The racing of my heart, palms sweating, fingers grasping, teeth clenching, and shortness of breath feeling that seems to last a life time when in reality it only lasts 15 minutes or so till I am finally in my right mind again. In those short moments of time I am in my own head reasoning with myself and trying to assure myself that I in fact am safe.
The truth is that not many people can understand this irrational fear because it is in fact irrational. I am sane enough to realize that when I am not in the moment of panic. Why am I writing about this? Well, because it is a huge part of my life. Sometimes I am amazed at how far I have come and the places God has taken me in spite of my anxiety. Other times I am in despair at how much this irrationality consumes my life and how much I wish I was different...or rather, normal. I know God has a plan for my life and there are much worse things that one can encounter but I confess that at times it is hard to see the bigger picture.
The bigger picture of the fact that my every moment is a delicate teeter totting dependency on God's spirit of peace in my mind. That my "handicap" allows me to clench tightly to God because without Him every new experience is a struggle. The bigger picture that He has given me the courage to do things that I never thought were possible with my weak mind. Why is it so easy to doubt Him even after all that He has allowed me to do in my life? People don't understand how the nation of Israel could have possibly left God time after time when He was so evident in their journey...yet I think it is safe to say we do it all the time. What a beautiful God we serve. He is there patiently guiding us along no matter how often we doubt His magnificent power and care for us. I have such a hard time trusting and letting go but in the end it is the only thing that works. He has brought me so far and still I doubt the safety of the next step.
How could Thomas have doubted? How could Israel turn away so many times? How could the Pharisees see Him and still not believe?
I think it is easier then we'd like to think. My prayer is that God will be patient with my trying heart. That He will continue to lead me and guide me even if I am afraid. That He will give me the peace that only He can give me. I pray that through all my fears His strength will be perfected. I pray that I will be a living testimony of what He can accomplish in any life that surrenders to Him. God, use me! Take me to the places you want me to go and give me the strength to follow. I need You and that is the solemn truth.
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