"There is Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself"

How is that a comforting thought? Usually when someone is scared of something someone will tell them that and it is suppose to make them feel better but with me, it doesn't work. Why? Because my biggest fear is in fact; FEAR. I know that sounds crazy and it is. I struggle with the fear of fear. I hate panic attacks and I hate putting myself in situations where I will have one. Sadly, this handicaps me in many areas. I don't think people understand how powerful the mind truly is. I have a clear understanding of it because often times my mind will make me feel things that otherwise I shouldn't feel. The racing of my heart, palms sweating, fingers grasping, teeth clenching, and shortness of breath feeling that seems to last a life time when in reality it only lasts 15 minutes or so till I am finally in my right mind again. In those short moments of time I am in my own head reasoning with myself and trying to assure myself that I in fact am safe.

The truth is that not many people can understand this irrational fear because it is in fact irrational. I am sane enough to realize that when I am not in the moment of panic. Why am I writing about this? Well, because it is a huge part of my life. Sometimes I am amazed at how far I have come and the places God has taken me in spite of my anxiety. Other times I am in despair at how much this irrationality consumes my life and how much I wish I was different...or rather, normal. I know God has a plan for my life and there are much worse things that one can encounter but I confess that at times it is hard to see the bigger picture.

The bigger picture of the fact that my every moment is a delicate teeter totting dependency on God's spirit of peace in my mind. That my "handicap" allows me to clench tightly to God because without Him every new experience is a struggle. The bigger picture that He has given me the courage to do things that I never thought were possible with my weak mind. Why is it so easy to doubt Him even after all that He has allowed me to do in my life? People don't understand how the nation of Israel could have possibly left God time after time when He was so evident in their journey...yet I think it is safe to say we do it all the time. What a beautiful God we serve. He is there patiently guiding us along no matter how often we doubt His magnificent power and care for us. I have such a hard time trusting and letting go but in the end it is the only thing that works. He has brought me so far and still I doubt the safety of the next step.

How could Thomas have doubted? How could Israel turn away so many times? How could the Pharisees see Him and still not believe?

I think it is easier then we'd like to think. My prayer is that God will be patient with my trying heart. That He will continue to lead me and guide me even if I am afraid. That He will give me the peace that only He can give me. I pray that through all my fears His strength will be perfected. I pray that I will be a living testimony of what He can accomplish in any life that surrenders to Him. God, use me! Take me to the places you want me to go and give me the strength to follow. I need You and that is the solemn truth.

I'll be home for Christmas.

I know what God has planned for me to be. I have always known. Even when I was a little girl and I would line up my stuff animals and teach them. I still remember an activity my second grade teacher had us do because I told myself that I would one day do it in my own classroom. Still, there is no feeling like the one when you are finally doing a little bit of what you were meant to do and it feels so right. I feel blessed to know what I want to do with my life. I only hope that I can bring honor & glory to God's name through it. I have had so much fun these past couple of months working with the youth of Walla Walla but it was last night when I felt like I was doing what I have been created to do. We are planning leadership night with the Jr. High group and they will be leading out the worship service. I had so much fun practicing with them and leading them in their practice. I also had a blast this week when we visited the nursing homes. I think the kids really enjoyed themselves and I know the residents loved our company. I am so thankful for the staff I work with. They are all such amazing individuals who care so much about God and the kids. They inspire me and have become my closest friends here in Walla Walla. Each of them are very different from the rest but equally as wonderful.

Jr. high group at the Eagle Springs nursing home

On another note, Christmas is here! Betsy has put up all the decorations and the house is just transcending with holiday cheer. She even lent me a little Christmas tree to put in my room. I love Christmas! The lights, the food, the crisp air, the songs, & the joy. I also have a special treat this Christmas by finally visiting my home in Asheville. I almost wish that I could be two places in once, I'd like to experience a Walla Walla Christmas. There is no place like home though and I can't wait to be with my family. I am blessed with so much love in both areas of the country. I'll be flying home all by myself! It'll be my first flight alone and I know that I am a "big girl" now but I am still a little nervous about it. I know it'll be fine though and I think my desperation to see my family & friends out weighs my worry.

Getting as Close to Heaven as Possible.

I finally went to the WINDMILLS! I had been wanting to go so badly ever since I arrived in Walla Walla. Hannah & I ventured off to the land of the windmills super stoked! My little Saturn had the hardest time on the dirt road that led up to them but it made it eventually.

 The views along the way were so amazing!

We had to stop a couple of times to take in the views. 

We did arrive to the actual windmills eventually and they were everything I had hoped they'd be. Okay, maybe to other people they wouldn't be that thrilling but I found them super enchanting and they were HUGE! 

we also found some tumble weeds & couldn't resist rolling them around. 

It was so much fun and as expected, super windy.

When we got back in the car our hair was a bit wind blown...

I admit that this is not our best look.

I can't wait to go again. It truly was so peaceful up there!

My Restless Soul.

Lately my soul has been extra sensitive to the world around me--the pain, the hurt, the desperation. I know that there are so many people out there who are alone and empty. I want to do more! I just don't know what I can do. I feel overwhelmed by all that I should be doing but instead of going out and making a difference, I just drown in the confusion of what my first step should be. I mean, technically I am taking a year off to be "student missionary" but I still feel like I could be doing SO MUCH MORE. My heart has always been for the children of the world--always. Even when I was a child-I just have a place for them. There are so many children who are alone and unloved that I want to reach out and love! I want to travel to all parts of the world and do all that I can. God is coming soon and I am afraid I am not doing my part. I know we can't gain salvation by works but I can't help but feel the need to do more in order to fulfill my purpose on this Earth. I am SO blessed! I feel guilty about having so much when so many have nothing. My heart aches for all those who are cold, on the streets, hungry. I feel a stirring in my body to move and love but I still am motionless. God, please give me the avenues to Your people! Help me to make a difference. I don't want this restlessness to leave me, I don't want to become comfortable. Don't let me become comfortable. Where can I serve!? Give me the energy and the courage to go where You lead me!

Something Greater.

a lost identity. Through out my life I have encountered people that have taken the time to go "find themselves". I have always scoffed at the idea of "finding oneself" but it is starting to become a little more clear to me why people feel this need. In a world so populated with people and with so much love I often can feel very alone. No place I go ever feels exactly right even if I know it is where God intends me to be. There is always a little something missing. We struggle to belong through our clothing, music, character, etc. We figure if we just had that "one more thing" we'd finally belong. Sometimes I become SO overwhelmed with everything that I just want to run off to an island or to Africa or somewhere away from everything I know. I know that a lot of people get this feeling from time to time. I was wondering just yesterday though what where to happen if I actually did get away. Would my burdens follow me? I honestly don't think it'd solve the real issue. I need to live a life of peace and good will no matter where I am in the world. That being said though, I do not want to ever feel completely comfortable where I am. I don't think I will...but I am seeing now that I am better off not feeling this way. This is why--we shouldn't feel at home in this world. We weren't meant to live in this place. Something will always be missing. We were meant to dwell with God and have a unearthly intimacy with Him. Nothing should fill that void or longing. I don't ever want to be content with this life. I want to constantly be struggling against it--at peace but not to the point where I forget that I am not suppose to stay here. No matter where I go things will always be complicated, uneasy, and beautiful. Because in that struggle I see that I am destined for something greater then what this world can offer. Just give me Jesus.

A Window to My Soul.

I am an open book! I wear my heart on my sleeve & unfortunately this can often be a fault rather then a strength. I try to be more mysterious and keep my thoughts to myself but then I let my guard down for two seconds and my whole life is spilled out like a huge grape juice stain on a white shirt. I just can't help it! My face is full of expressions. This blog is another avenue of me and a sure window to my soul. I don't know if anyone reads it or not but regardless here it is. I just ask that if you are in fact reading my blog, don't mind the imperfections and errors. The ramblings of a creation still in the making by a patient and merciful Creator. As you peer into my soul don't mind the mess.

I miss my family. There is a certain level of intimacy that can only be reached by your family or another means which I am not in possession of at this moment. I yearn for a hug or closeness that only can be acquired through them. I know I will be seeing them soon & I can't wait. The smell of my mom's cooking and the taste of it! I hadn't realized how different my holiday food was from the norm until I was in college. I love it! Plantains, yucca, rice, beans, & so much more. It'll be so strange not being with my family for Thanksgiving this year. I miss my brother's goofy sense of humor and his constant "high-fives" that drive me insane. I miss my dad's patience and devotion to all of us. Watching him take such good care of the garden, animals, & us. He is so loving! Everything grows and flourishes under his leadership and care. I miss my adorable "little star", Marcelino. The sweetest and most devoted cat in the whole world. I can't wait to hug him! I miss the Asheville mountain views that are splashed with reds, yellows, & oranges during this time of year. I miss the cozy little churches my dad pastors that are so full of love & quaintness.

I love how versatile our God is! Even in the way He shows His love and His character. Through the different seasons, through music, through nature, through mankind, and I am sure there are more. We try so hard to put Him in a box and label Him but He is so much bigger then our minds could ever hope to dream or comprehend. It'll take an eternity to truly know God and one day I hope to do that exact thing. Even in this sin filled world there is SO much beauty! Can you imagine how beautiful a perfect sinless world must be? I can't. On this earth there are already so many incredible things. I crave the natural beauty! The places I want to travel are endless. I just can't get enough of the splendor. I just want to soak it all in. I hope one day I will have the opportunity to travel to all these places I see in pictures. My eyes just can't get enough of pretty things--flowers, trees, mountains, & more! So many different types of each one. It makes me crazy with desire to experience it all. From the simplest to the most complex--they all hold their own enchantment. I love it.

I was trying to fall asleep and all I could think about were all these things. I figured it'd help if I wrote it all out and got it out of my head. We serve such an incredible God. I wish I could wrap myself in His arms and just marvel at His majesty. I have to wait awhile to do that though. He has blessed me so much & I just can't imagine my life without having known Him. It'd be so empty. I have to struggle constantly against putting Him into a box and not allowing Him to expand my ideals and life. He is so good to me.

October.

I LOVE FALL! I know a lot of people do but I am here to claim that I love it the most. I get this swelled up feeling in my chest--do you know what I mean? I become all giddy & emotional! Everything is just so much fun. All the activities-camping, hayrides, corn mazes, apple cider/hot chocolate, pumpkins/pumpkin carving (which I have yet to do), fall festivals, barn parties, square dancing, & the list can just keep on going. Isn't it fantastic? I miss the Asheville colors & mountains though. I don't know if Walla Walla will get as colorful as Asheville. I sure hope so because there is nothing better than the fall colors. Autumn even has a smell and a feel to it. The chill in the air, the sweaters. oh my lands! I can't contain myself. I just want to wrap it all up and put it in a jar for whenever I am "homesick" for fall.